Vacation
by bitezombiesback
Summary: After the war is over, the crew finally gets to have a little fun. Chaos may ensue. Just for fun, so hopefully it's amusing.
1. Chapter 1

"You said you wanted to go somewhere tropical after it was all over."

"Yeah, this was... Not what I had in mind," Garrus said, eyeing the rest of the crew.

Grunt and Wrex were shifting uneasily in their small, human-sized seats in front of Tali, who was ducked down trying to use her omni-tool to hack the ship's intercom in order to change the music. Dr. Chakwas was mysteriously drunk, despite the fact that drinks hadn't been served yet, and swayed in her seat, hiccuping periodically. Joker was complaining to EDI about not being able to pilot the ship ("In case of aerial attack, I will alert a staff member that you are a renowned fighter-pilot," she said soothingly in her mechanical voice, and he grinned with a, "Fingers crossed, Babe!"). James was hitting on Liara, who was telling him to keep it professional, while simultaneously massaging Specialist Traynor's shoulders.

Shepard frowned at him. "You said you liked the crew, and wanted to stay in touch after the war."

"I also gave you that line about human-Turian babies," he retorted. "You shouldn't take everything I say so literally."

"So does that mean you _don't_ want to adopt a Krogan?"

He scoffed. "We already have two! It's enough trouble without them outnumbering us." He gestured to Grunt and Wrex, who were currently being asked by the stewardess to stop head-butting each other while on the ship.

The stewardess approached the front of the passengers' cabin and, with a too-white smile, clicked her omni-tool to go over the intercom. "Good afternoon, passengers! My name as Alina Jefferson and it's my duty to review the safety manual with you to ensure your best odds of survival in case of emergency circumstances."

A resounding chorus of, "Boooooo," made her fake smile twitch.

"Shut up, guys, I want to hear this!" Kaiden complained, readying his datapad to take notes.

"O-okay," the stewardess faltered, "the first scenario we will cover today will be if we encounter enemy fire."

Joker's hand shot up. "Ooh, ooh! Pick me!"

"Sir, do you have a question?"

"No, I was calling dibs on the ship in case of enemy fire." He rolled his eyes in EDI's direction as if this was the obvious answer.

"Well, Sir, it doesn't exactly work like.." She trailed off as he glared at her. "But I digress to the second situation," she hurried. "In event of a crash landing."

As the stewardess droned on, Shepard elbowed Garrus. "Did you remember to pack your swimsuit? Might be kind of hard to find a Turian suit on a human planet."

"Yeah, it's in your bags, with all my other stuff."

She raised an eyebrow at him. "Then what was in your bag?"

"The largest assortment of Turian alcohol Earth will ever see."

Shepard snorted, and the stewardess reprimanded her. "Please, Commander, try to pay attention to the safety briefing."

"Oh, please," Shepard said, still laughing. "Do I look like someone who's never crashed a ship before?"

"No... I mean yes...?"

"Honey, I died in space. Then they brought me back to life, and I got shot by a Reaper, and yet here I am."

The stewardess stared at her blankly. "Alright, passengers, that concludes today's safety briefing!"

"Dammit, Shepard!" Kaiden cursed, throwing his datapad at the commander.

She laughed. "You're on vacation, Alenko. Get over it and relax already."

A small "ding" from behind her caused her to turn around. Chakwas was repeatedly pressing the service button above her chair. The stewardess immediately rushed to her.

"How can I be of assistance today, Ma'am?"

"When are they gonna serve us the drinks?" she slurred.

"Yeah, let's get some tequila shots up in here!" James cheered.

"I have a bad feeling about this," Shepard muttered to Garrus, who gave her a maniacal grin.

* * *

(A/N): It's just a fun, light-hearted story. Intended to be humorous. Give me some ideas, guys! I have no idea where to go from here.


	2. Chapter 2

She looked at the smouldering wreckage of the transport vessel, lurching forward and barely catching herself. It felt like the sand was rushing up to meet her.

"Think we can salvage it?" she hiccupped.

"That's highly doubtful, Commander. Although I am inclined to not give a shit."

Shepard stared at her A.I. companion. "EDI, did you just cuss?"

"Jeff turned off one of my reasoning functions. I am only operating at ninety-five percent rationality. I'm drunk, bitches!"

Shepard and Garrus roared with laughter as Kaiden glared at Joker.

"This is your fault. You're at serious risk of getting an F.U.I. if the authorities find out, and I'll make sure they do."

"My fault?" Joker protested. "You're the one who tried to 'save' us by slipping a life-vest over my face and inflating it. How was that even supposed to help me regain control of the ship?"

"I don't know, I panicked! I'm not a pilot."

"Dr. Chakwas force-fed him half those tequila shots Vega ordered," Garrus snickered. "He's... How do the humans say it? White-girl wasted?"

Shepard snorted. "You sound like my grandma. I don't think anyone's used that phrase in the last three centuries."

He shrugged. "I tried. By the way, how lucky is it that we landed somewhere tropical?"

"But what the hell are we going to do now?" Wrex demanded in his gravelly voice.

"Party!" Vega replied, lifting the shrieking stewardess with one arm and a bottle of whiskey with the other.

"Wait a second..." Shepard slurred, holding up one dramatic finger. "Where are Liara and Samantha and Chakwas? Has anyone seen them since we crashed?"

The crew scoured the beach to find Dr. Chakwas passed out and half-buried in the sand. At first they thought she was dead, until she started mumbling in her sleep about manly soldiers with piercing eyes. Grunt located a permanent marker from the wreckage, and the two Krogans took turns drawing inappropriate images on her and giggling about it.

After about ten minutes of searching, most of the crew had either given up on Traynor and Liara or become distracted. Shepard and EDI had fashioned a sort of chair out of palm fronds and sticks, and Joker was in the process of trying to convince Grunt and Wrex to carry him around in it like a king. Kaiden was teaching Garrus how to make sand castles, and criticising him for doing it "the wrong way."

Finally, Liara and Traynor emerged from the shrubbery together, both red-faced and giggling. They atempted to blend back into the group without being noticed, but EDI loudly announced their arrival.

"Hey everyone! Liara and Traynor are back, and they look all embarrassed and have rapid heart-beats. You know what that means."

"They were sparring?" Grunt querried, confused.

Wrex shook his head in disappointment and muttered something too quiet for the rest of them to hear.

Grunt's eyes widened in shock. "Ew! Why would you tell me that? I'm only five."

Shepard glared at Wrex before marching over and head-butting him.

"You're ruining the boy!" She grabbed Grunt's claw and dragged him over to play in the sand with Garrus and Kaiden. "C'mon, Kiddo, it's a safe space over here."

"God dammit, Garrus, is it really that hard to dig a moat?"

She smacked Kaiden over the head. "What part of safe space don't you understand? Now, play nice, you three."

"Shepard, I think I hear something in the jungle," Vega called to her from the edge of the shrubbery. "It sounds like voices. What do you want to do?"

An evil grin spread across her face. "You'll see."

* * *

(A/N): I know, it took forever. I still have no idea what to do with this thing. Thanks for the helpful reviews! More advice is always appreciated.

Credit: The Joker/Kaiden plane crash idea belongs to Jaden Silver.


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